Dieting

I admit I have been gravity challenged much of my life. I was not a chubby baby, as was my brother. He was so rotund as a baby that Mom and Dad nicknamed him “Pumpkin.” “Pumpkin” soon became “Punky,” and unfortunately the nickname, as nicknames are prone to do, stuck. I suspect it was a good part of the reason he left home at 17 to join the Navy. I’m pretty sure he wasn’t thereafter known as “Seaman Punky.”

My gravity problem began when I was about seven years old. I was, in fact, a slim and healthy seven-year-old until the aforementioned Mom and Dad decided that slim and healthy were mutually exclusive. They were both a bit “big-boned,” as were most of their friends, so their conclusion was probably predictable. In any case, I was put on a regimen of vitamin B7 to cure my weight deficiency. Or was it B12, or perhaps B14, or perhaps B22? BINGO! But I digress.

Fortunately (or maybe not), the regimen worked. By the time I became eight, I was a virtual chubby cherub. And a relatively happy cherub I remained all through grade school. It was in high school, when girls suddenly became much more interesting, that I discovered the nickname “Chubbs” and the term “girlfriend” were mutually exclusive. It was in high school that I began dieting.

I have, to some degree, been dieting ever since. I believe I have, at one time or another, been on every diet known to man (okay, maybe not every diet, but a whole lot). I have tried (in alphabetical order for easy reference) the Atkins Diet, The Apple Cider Vinegar Diet (I grew up in Vermont’s apple country), the Bio Slim Diet, the Bio Trim Diet, the Cambridge Diet, the Carb Buster Diet and the Dexatrim Diet. The Dexatrim Diet wasn’t so much a diet as a way to stay awake during class in college: so many late nights studying and such. Being on a “diet” meant I could get pills from the infirmary for a buck each, instead of from Drug Store Bob (he actually worked in a drug store) for considerably more.

I have tried the Egg Diet, the Grapefruit Diet, the Hawaii Diet (after I moved to Hawaii, it seemed appropriate), the Ice Cream Diet (my personal favorite, but didn’t work at all) and the Nutrisystem Diet. I called it the Cash for Cardboard Diet. Can food that needs absolutely no refrigeration and has a three year shelf life really be good for you? I have tried the Pritikin Diet, the Slim Fast Diet (more accurately the Slim Slow Diet), the South Beach Diet, the South of the Border Diet (lots of beans, not recommended for people with spouses and/or friends), and even the Weight Watchers Diet.

Make no mistake, most of the diets worked, at least for a while. I have gone from as much as 235 pounds to as little as 155 pounds, time and time again. For some reason I just can’t seem to keep the weight off. I have always followed each regimen religiously (well maybe a little binge here and there), except maybe for the parts about lifestyle change and exercise.