On Getting Old, Part 2

I could be wrong, but I don’t think anybody wants to get old. I think we all have a time in our lives when we would like to get older: old enough to drive, for instance, or old enough to date, but definitely not old. I’m know that no self-respecting man wants to be considered “an old guy,” or worse, “an old fart,” or worse yet, “a dirty old man,” or the worst, “a senior citizen.” And I suspect that no self-respecting woman desires to be thought of as “a spinster,” or worse “an old maid,” or worse yet “an old hag,” or the worst, “a lovely elderly person.” I’m pretty sure that, as inevitable as it is, getting old is not something that we aspire to. My experience tells me that, in fact, most of us fear it to some degree, and some of us actually dread it. But I’m here to say that getting old, and being old, is not necessarily all that bad.

Take, for instance, dating: that age old institution that we couldn’t wait to be old enough for. Let’s face it, dating sucks; unless of course, awkward moments, unfulfilled expectations, and rejection are your idea of fun. It’s true that most of us met our spouses or partners through dating, and it was probably worth it, even though our several relationships probably didn’t work out; but it still sucks. Old people however, don’t have to date. OK, it’s usually because we couldn’t even if we wanted to, but even if we did, believe me, it would be a waste of time, and possibly a waste of Viagra, should we think we might get lucky which, believe me, we won’t. Old people who are single, for whatever reason, and there are nearly as many reasons as old people who are single, meet other old people at church, or at the senior center, or at work, but probably not at work because we are old and got fired and can’t find another job, because even though we have tons of experience, and know the job better than the kid who just started, but gets paid more, is young, and thus has more potential, though no skills whatever…. but I digress. My point is that dating sucks and old people don’t have to do it, not that it would do any good anyway.

And speaking of work (the thing that most old people don’t do anymore), the great thing is, they don’t have to, because old people get Social Security and Medicare, which allows them to retire “in comfort.” This, of course, assumes that retiring “in comfort” doesn’t require that you are able to stay in the house that you purchased many years ago and have almost paid off; because your Social Security check barely covers the taxes and insurance, much less the payment. And it assumes that “in comfort” doesn’t necessarily mean in good health, because Medicare, while cheap, isn’t free, and doesn’t cover everything, especially your prescriptions, which never seem to be in the “formulary,” and even the ones that are, aren’t covered most of the time because of the “donut hole.” But, not to be negative, as long as old people are flexible and don’t care about the frills, like houses, or fancy cars, or fancy clothes, or travel, or eating out, or eating much, or eating regularly; they, in fact, don’t have to work.

And speaking of fancy clothes, old people have little need for fancy clothes, which is a good thing because clothes today are designed for skinny children, or at least people who look like skinny children. And even if we are old people who look like skinny children, except we don’t look like children, because we’re old, chances are that jeans that don’t cover our navel, or tops that don’t cover our navel, or underwear that peeks out from both, but still doesn’t cover our navel, are not our idea of fashion, or even appropriate attire. But fortunately, sweat shirts and sweat pants come is a large variety of sizes and colors and we can wear them all the time, because exercising is a good thing and a very popular thing and how is anyone to know that we aren’t just about to go exercise, or just coming back from exercising or, if we’re out and about, actually exercising at the moment. And better yet, they completely cover our underwear, so no one knows that our underwear, which we never intended to be a fashion statement, may provide “relaxed comfort,” or “extra support,” or “superior wetness protection.”

So we can stop fearing or even dreading getting, or being, old. Now that we see a few of the many benefits, we can relax and start anticipating our “twilight years,” and/or enjoying them “in comfort.” Let’s put our favorite record in the record player, or put our favorite CD in the CD player, or our cue up our favorite itune on our ipod; pop some hot pockets in the microwave, break out a box of wine, and enjoy life. Old is good.

03/15/11