COOPER'S MEDICINE

Our puppy dog is named Cooper. He is one of the cutest and sweetest puppies that ever lived. This is just the truth. Just because he is our puppy and we love him deeply, does not mean were are, in any way, biased.

However, he does have a few flaws. They are very minor, hardly worth mentioning. He loves tearing up any scrap of paper he finds not in the trash, or in the trash. He occasionally barks (or more accurately yelps) at anyone walking on our road, or anyone he thinks may be walking on our road, or anyone who is thinking of walking on our road. He is afraid of thunder (but not lightning or fireworks for some strange reason) and the rain that comes with thunder, or any rain for that matter, or any water at all. Needless to say, bath time is entertaining.

He is a picky eater, pretty much turning up his nose at any dog food (but likes poaching the cat’s food for some strange reason. He likes chicken, fresh cooked or even canned, if it’s premium breast meat. He likes roast beef and hamburger, and ham in moderation. He likes eggs and most cheese (but has no use for Jarlsburg). He likes peas, with a bit of rice, but usually eats the peas and leaves the rice on the plate, or more usually, on the floor. He likes treats, but only very specific brands. So many bags of puppy treats, so many in the landfill.

Like all dogs, he occasionally succumbs to some puppy malady or other and must visit the vet. He hates going to the vet. He also doesn’t care much for riding in the car, so a trip to the vet, in the car, is pretty much the worst. He didn’t always hate the vet. His first trip there as a pup, they cuddled him and gave him treats and was quite enamored. Then they shoved a thermometer up his butt, stuck him several times with a needle, and cut of his balls. Now, the vet, not so much.

Sometimes when he goes to the vet, he gets medication to take at home. He doesn’t like to take medication, especially when it tastes bad, which it always does. He most recently got an antibiotic that he needs to take twice day. It’s a tiny pill and he only needs to take one half of a pill at a time. It might as well be a golfball, he’s not taking it. We tried grinding it up and mixing it with his chicken. He sorts through all the chicken in case some scrap is untainted, leaving the tainted chicken (oft times all of it) on the plate, or more usually, on the floor. We tried hiding the tiny one half of a pill in a bit of ham or hamburger. He somehow manages to eat all the ham or hamburger and spit out the pill, not even wet.

I’m proud to say, however, that we have figured out how to get him to take his pill. We use a clever ploy to deceive him into thinking it is just food. We take the one half pill and embed it in a dollop of cream cheese. We then roll up the dollop of cream cheese, with a few peas and bacon bits in a thin slice of chicken breast. We then lightly season the chicken roll and saute it in cream and butter sauce until it is slightly brown and crispy. When served with a bit of cat food on the side, he eats it right up.

SHE DOESN’T LOVE ME BEST

Well, it finally happened. I knew it was coming, in fact, has been coming for some time. And today it happened. My wife no longer loves me best. I’m no longer number one in her heart.

Of course, I can’t really blame her. The other guy has only been in the picture for a few years, but from day one, he could do no wrong. He was always there, always loving, never talked back, never asked for anything, and never, ever complained. Sure, he had his faults, but it didn’t really matter what little indescretion he might have committed, one look into those sad, apologetic eyes, and he was instantly forgiven.

Oh, I knew they were taking long walks together. I knew she chatted with him endlessly, but who could blame her, he was such a good listener. I even knew about her constant praise, and all the little treats she was givng him, usually to get him to do her bidding, but sometimes for no reason at all. I even knew that they were sleeping together, and had been for years.

Yes, I knew all the details, but still felt she loved me best. Sure I wasn’t the best looking, or in the great shape that he was, but I did earn the money, provide and maintain the home, and even take the garbage to the dump. I was the one who had been there the longest, and shared the most. But he was the one who never left here side when she was sad, or worried, or not feeling well. He was the one who proffered unconditional love, unconditionally.

And so today, when I left for work, and the dog stayed home, and she was OK with that, even expected it, even desired it; I knew was number one, no longer.

I like to think I am still number two, but she is awfully fond of her son, and awfully fond of my daughter, and seems to worry far more about them then about me; so I may be number three, or even four. Of course, there is also her best friend from years before we ever meant, who has always been there for her; but he hasn’t called for awhile, and isn’t planning to visit any time soon; so, with a bit of luck, I may not end up number five, even if she doesn’t love me best.

THE QUINTESSENTIAL XMAS LETTER - “IT’S ALL GOOD!”

Merry Christmas Friends, Family & Loved Ones
OOPS!
Seasons Greetings Friends, Family & Loved Ones

Just our annual missive to let you know how all the gang is doing and all the exciting and wonderful things that happened this past year.

First off, or son, Jimmy, has been out of rehab for three weeks now, and still doing great, except for that one little relapse, nothing really. And Mickey, his ex-girlfriend, has agreed to let him see Jimmy Jr as soon as he catches up on child support, which is assured once the settlement comes in. You may remember that we were sueing the rehab place after the roof collapse that left poor Jimmy with permanent PTSD and a total loss of ability to smell or taste.

Better yet, it looks like the other Jimmy Jr, isn’t really Jimmy’s at all. It turns out that the “porn star” he had a “date” with on his Texas trip, wasn’t being truthful when she assured Jimmy that he was the only one she had slept with for months.

Meanwhile Jimmy’s older brother, Billy, and his wife Milly, just had their second child, a beautiful little girl. Older sister, Charlene (formerly brother Charlie), is just delighted to have a new little sister. Charlene, by the way, has very generously agreed to be an “organ” donor from her upcoming reassignment surgery. How great is that?

Daughter Jennifer is still living with us and still bartending at the strip bar. Her boss adores her, and she has been there longer than anyone else, nearly three months. Of course, her tips are not as good as the “performance artists,” but she does pretty well working in the well (well in the well, get it?).

Ever the good Samaritan, Jen recently rescued a kitten from a storm sewer. She named her Penny Wise (like from the Stephen King Movie) and Penny is as clever and as evil as her namesake. Penny’s bad behavior is mild, however, as compared to her kitten stepsister, Twitch, who is evil incarnate, at least as kittens go. Jen certainly has a way with rescues. She is always bringing home strays, injured, and unwanted creatures. But we try to be understanding when it comes to her friends.

Also, good news about Uncle Fred. His parole hearing is just two weeks away and it looks really promising this time. The owner of the liquor store where the “incident” occurred has passed away, and therefore won’t be at the hearing. Keep your fingers crossed. If he gets out, he will finally be a free man, except for the restraining orders, and can live a normal and happy life. Freda, his “prison bride,” can’t wait for him to get to his new home and start fixing the “double-wide” up.

Finally, you will all be pleased to know that the bankruptcy is finally final. We were able to keep the house, the car, and all $600 in our retirement account. We gave the kids all the pieces in our black velvet art collection and sold a bunch of stuff including the poker chip collection and all the VCR’s at a garage sale before we filed, so the judge didn't take it all away. Things will be a little tight for a while, but with our new credit cards and credit line from Vinny, we should be just fine.

So that’s it with us. We’re doing great and hope all of you are doing as well.