Airport Security

Make no mistake, I never want to be a passenger in an aircraft being highjacked, or being commandeered, or being re-purposed as a lethal weapon, or carrying a bomb, or carrying a person carrying a bomb, or carrying a person intent on Hari Kari, or even carrying Harry Caray (I’m really not a Cubs fan).

For that matter, I’d prefer not to be a passenger on an aircraft being detained endlessly on the tarmac, or carrying crying children, or carrying children in the seat behind you that keep kicking the back of your seat, or carrying really big people who can’t or won’t buy two seats, so they put the armrests up and take half of your seat, or people that... (but that’s another story).

Anyway, I get it that we need “enhanced” airport security. I get that the best way to deal with potential disasters is to nip them at the gate (pardon the paraphrasing). I just wonder if some of the procedures that have been instituted really make sense. For example, are nail clippers really a potential weapon? Or, couldn’t a terrorist hide explosives somewhere other than in his shoes, between his butt cheeks, say? Please Mr. Terrorist, do not take this as a suggestion; the logical result would be very time consuming, not to mention a bit inconvenient. “Passengers are advised to arrive at the airport five hours before departure. Please wear easily removable clothing.”

And what’s with “no liquids in excess of three ounces per container.” Is it just me, or couldn’t a clever terrorist divide up his pound of explosives into six containers (that’s 2.67 ounces per container, in case you don’t have your calculator handy)? And don’t explosives also come in amorphous plastic form? Of course, we could always amend the rule, “no liquids and/or puttys, silly or otherwise, in excess of three ounces per container.”

Now I can understand that computers pose a special problem. I mean they are just crammed full of fancy electronic stuff, and I know that it takes a lot of fancy electronic stuff to detonate a bomb. A terrorist could build a “computer-like” device with pounds of explosives and detonation device all-in-one. Then, but only after the seat belt sign had been turned off and the captain had advised him was okay to turn on electronic devices, he could blow up the aircraft (himself included, of course, but that’s another story). Fortunately it’s not possible, evidently, to build a “computer-like” device with a functioning screen; so as long as we require potential terrorists to turn on their computers we’ll be able to uncover the bogus computer/bombs, and be safe.

Perhaps I’m just jaded. I still remember fondly the days when you could arrive at the airport a few minutes before departure with three bags to check and two more to carry on (but that’s yet another story). Perhaps I should take comfort in the knowledge that, despite the dangerous times in which we live, I can be a passenger in an aircraft that is safe (thank you, TSA) from the threat of being high-jacked by a band of nail-clipper-wielding terrorists.